Waking life script 7

(Philosopher professor talking in his office - University of Texas: Austin philosophy professor David Sosa)

In a way, in our contemporary world view, it's easy to think that science has come to take the place of God. But some philosophical problems remain as troubling as ever. Take the problem of free will. This problem has been around for a long time, since before Aristotle in 350 B.C. St. Augustine, St. Thomas Aquinas, these guys all worried about how we can be free if God already knows in advance everything you're gonna do. Nowadays we know that the world operates according to some fundamental physical laws, and these laws govern the behavior of every object in the world. Now, these laws, because they're so trustworthy, they enable incredible technological achievements. But look at yourself. We're just physical systems too, right? We're just complex arrangements of carbon molecules. We're mostly water, and our behavior isn't gonna be an exception to these basic physical laws. So it starts to look like whether its God setting things up in advance and knowing everything you're gonna do or whether it's these basic physical laws governing everything, there's not a lot of room left for freedom.

So now you might be tempted to just ignore the question, ignore the mystery of free will. Say "Oh, well, it's just an historical anecdote. It's sophomoric. It's a question with no answer. Just forget about it." But the question keeps staring you right in the face. You think about individuality for example, who you are. Who you are is mostly a matter of the free choices that you make. Or take responsibility. You can only be held responsible, you can only be found guilty, or you can only be admired or respected for things you did of your own free will. So the question keeps coming back, and we don't really have a solution to it. It starts to look like all our decisions are really just a charade.

Think about how it happens. There's some electrical activity in your brain. Your neurons fire. They send a signal down into your nervous system. It passes along down into your muscle fibers. They twitch. You might, say, reach out your arm. It looks like it's a free action on your part, but every one of those - every part of that process is actually governed by physical law, chemical laws, electrical laws, and so on.

So now it just looks like the big bang set up the initial conditions, and the whole rest of human history, and even before, is really just the playing out of subatomic particles according to these basic fundamental physical laws. We think we're special. We think we have some kind of special dignity, but that now comes under threat. I mean, that's really challenged by this picture.

So you might be saying, "Well, wait a minute. What about quantum mechanics? I know enough contemporary physical theory to know it's not really like that. It's really a probabilistic theory. There's room. It's loose. It's not deterministic." And that's going to enable us to understand free will. But if you look at the details, it's not really going to help because what happens is you have some very small quantum particles, and their behavior is apparently a bit random. They swerve. Their behavior is absurd in the sense that its unpredictable and we can't understand it based on anything that came before. It just does something out of the blue, according to a probabilistic framework. But is that going to help with freedom? I mean, should our freedom be just a matter of probabilities, just some random swerving in a chaotic system? That starts to seem like it's worse. I'd rather be a gear in a big deterministic physical machine than just some random swerving.

So we can't just ignore the problem. We have to find room in our contemporary world view for persons with all that that entails; not just bodies, but persons. And that means trying to solve the problem of freedom, finding room for choice and responsibility, and trying to understand individuality.

Waking life script 6

(Guy with red face is in jail.)

I'll get you motherfuckers if it's the last thing I do. Oh, you're going to pay for what you did to me. For every second I spend in this hellhole, I'll see you spend a year in living hell! Oh, you fucks are going to beg me to let you die. No, no, not yet. I want you cocksuckers to suffer. Oh, I'll fix your fuckin' asses all right. Maybe a long needle in your eardrum. A hot cigar in your eye. Nothin' fancy. Some molten lead up the ass. Ooh! Or, better still, some of that old Apache shit. Cut your eyelids off. Yeah. I'll just listen to you fucks screamin'. Oh, what sweet music that'll be. Yeah, I'll do it in a hospital. With doctors and nurses so you pricks don't die on me too quick. You know the best part? The best part is you dick-smokin' faggots will have your eyelids cut off, so you'll have to watch me do it to you, yeah. You'll see me bring that cigar closer and closer to your wide-open eyeball till you're almost out of your mind. But not quite 'cause I want it to last a long, long time. Huh. I want you to know that it's me, that I'm the one who is doing it to you. Me! And that sissy psychiatrist? What unmitigated ignorance! That old drunken fart of a judge! What a pompous ass! Judge not lest ye be judged! All of you pukes are gonna die the day I get out of this shithole! I guarantee you'll regret the day you ever met me!

Waking life script 5

(A couple are in bed talking -- Julie Delpy and Ethan Hawke)

I keep thinking about something you said.

Something I said?

Yeah. About how you often feel like you're observing your life from the perspective of an old woman about to die. You remember that?

Yeah. I still feel that way sometimes. Like I'm looking back on my life. Like my waking life is her memories.

Exactly. I heard that Tim Leary said as he was dying that he was looking forward to the moment when his body was dead but his brain was still alive. You know they say that there's still six to twelve minutes of brain activity after everything else is shutdown. And a second of dream consciousness, right, well, that's infinitely longer than a waking second. You know what I'm saying?

Oh, yeah, definitely. For example, I wake up and it is 10:12, and then I go back to sleep and I have those long, intricate, beautiful dreams that seem to last for hours, and then I wake up and it's ... 10:13.

Yeah, exactly. So then six to twelve minutes of brain activity, I mean, that could be your whole life. I mean, you are that woman looking back over everything.

Okay, so what if I am? Then what would you be in all that?

Whatever I am right now. I mean, yeah, maybe I only exist in your mind. I'm still just as real as anything else.

Yeah. I've been thinking also about something you said.

What's that?

Just about reincarnation and where all the new souls come from over time. Everybody always say that they've been the reincarnation of Cleopatra or Alexander the Great. I always want to tell them they were probably some dumb fuck like everybody else. I mean, it's impossible. Think about it. The world population has doubled in the past 40 years, right? So if you really believe in that ego thing of one eternal soul, then you have only 50% chance of your soul being over 40. And for it to be over 150 years old, then it's only one out of six.

Right, so what are you saying? That reincarnation doesn't exist, or that we're all young souls like where half of us are first round humans?

No, no. What I'm trying to say is that somehow I believe reincarnation is just a - a poetic expression of what collective memory really is. There was this article by this biochemist that I read not long ago, and he was talking about how when a member of our species is born, it has a billion years of memory to draw on. And this is where we inherit our instincts.

I like that. It's like there's this whole telepathic thing going on that we're all a part of, whether we're conscious of it or not. That would explain why there are all these, you know, seemingly spontaneous, worldwide, innovative leaps in science, in the arts. You know, like the same results poppin' up everywhere independent of each other. Some guy on a computer, he figures something out, and then almost simultaneously a bunch of other people all over the world figure out the same thing. They did this study. They isolated a group of people over time, and they monitored their abilities at crossword puzzles, right, in relation to the general population. And they secretly gave them a day-old crossword, one that had already been answered by thousands of other people, right. And their scores went up dramatically, like 20 percent. So it's like once the answers are out there, people can pick up on 'em. It's like we're all telepathically sharing our experiences.

Waking life script 4

(The main character enters a house. Next, we see him taking off his shoes, laying down, and picking up a book, yet the pages appear to be blank. He looks at his alarm clock, and the numbers do not focus, but rather dance around. He lays back and we seem to hear the wind, as if we're near the ocean, after which the main character floats off his bed and through the roof, proceeding to fly over the burbs. We next seem to move from the sky to the ground ...)

***

(Main character walking down the street with a man who is holding a can of gasoline - J.C. Shakespeare.)

A self-destructive man feels completely alienated, utterly alone. He's an outsider to the human community. He thinks to himself, "I must be insane." What he fails to realize is that society has, just as he does, a vested interest in considerable losses and catastrophes. These wars, famines, floods and quakes meet well-defined needs. Man wants chaos. In fact, he's gotta have it. Depression, strife, riots, murder, all this dread. We're irresistibly drawn to that almost orgiastic state created out of death and destruction. It's in all of us. We revel in it. Sure, the media tries to put a sad face on these things, painting them up as great human tragedies. But we all know the function of the media has never been to eliminate the evils of the world, no. Their job is to persuade us to accept those evils and get used to living with them. The powers that be want us to be passive observers. Hey, you got a match? And they haven't given us any other options outside the occasional, purely symbolic, participatory act of voting. You want the puppet on the right or the puppet on the left? I feel that the time has come to project my own inadequacies and dissatisfactions into the sociopolitical and scientific schemes, let my own lack of a voice be heard.

(He pours gasoline all over himself and lights himself on fire.)

Waking life script 3

If we're looking at the highlights of human development, you have to look at the evolution of the organism and then at the development of its interaction with the environment. Evolution of the organism will begin with the evolution of life perceived through the hominid coming to the evolution of mankind. Neanderthal and Cro-Magnon man. Now, interestingly, what you're looking at here are three strings: biological, anthropological -- development of the cities -- and cultural, which is human expression.

Now, what you've seen here is the evolution of populations, not so much the evolution of individuals. And in addition, if you look at the time scales that are involved here -- two billion years for life, six million years for the hominid, 100,000 years for mankind as we know it -- you're beginning to see the telescoping nature of the evolutionary paradigm. And then when you get to agricultural, when you get to scientific revolution and industrial revolution, you're looking at 10,000 years, 400 years, 150 years. Uou're seeing a further telescoping of this evolutionary time. What that means is that as we go through the new evolution, it's gonna telescope to the point we should be able to see it manifest itself within our lifetime, within this generation.

The new evolution stems from information, and it stems from two types of information: digital and analog. The digital is artificial intelligence. The analog results from molecular biology, the cloning of the organism. And you knit the two together with neurobiology. Before on the old evolutionary paradigm, one would die and the other would grow and dominate. But under the new paradigm, they would exist as a mutually supportive, noncompetitive grouping. Okay, independent from the external.

And what is interesting here is that evolution now becomes an individually centered process, emanating from the needs and desires of the individual, and not an external process, a passive process where the individual is just at the whim of the collective. So, you produce a neo-human, okay, with a new individuality and a new consciousness. But that's only the beginning of the evolutionary cycle because as the next cycle proceeds, the input is now this new intelligence. As intelligence piles on intelligence, as ability piles on ability, the speed changes. Until what? Until we reach a crescendo in a way could be imagined as an enormous instantaneous fulfillment of human? human and neo-human potential. It could be something totally different. It could be the amplification of the individual, the multiplication of individual existences. Parallel existences now with the individual no longer restricted by time and space.

And the manifestations of this neo-human-type evolution, manifestations could be dramatically counter-intuitive. That's the interesting part. The old evolution is cold. It's sterile. It's efficient, okay? And its manifestations of those social adaptations. We're talking about parasitism, dominance, morality, okay? Uh, war, predation, these would be subject to de-emphasis. These will be subject to de-evolution. The new evolutionary paradigm will give us the human traits of truth, of loyalty, of justice, of freedom. These will be the manifestations of the new evolution. And that is what we would hope to see from this. That would be nice.

Waking life script 2

Creation seems to come out of imperfection. It seems to come out of a striving and a frustration. And this is where I think language came from. I mean, it came from our desire to transcend our isolation and have some sort of connection with one another. And it had to be easy when it was just simple survival. Like, you know, "water." We came up with a sound for that. Or "Saber-toothed tiger right behind you." We came up with a sound for that. But when it gets really interesting, I think, is when we use that same system of symbols to communicate all the abstract and intangible things that we're experiencing. What is, like, frustration? Or what is anger or love? When I say "love," the sound comes out of my mouth and it hits the other person's ear, travels through this Byzantine conduit in their brain, you know, through their memories of love or lack of love, and they register what I'm saying and they say yes, they understand. But how do I know they understand? Because words are inert. They're just symbols. They're dead, you know? And so much of our experience is intangible. So much of what we perceive cannot be expressed. It's unspeakable. And yet, you know, when we communicate with one another, and we feel that we've connected, and we think that we're understood, I think we have a feeling of almost spiritual communion. And that feeling might be transient, but I think it's what we live for.

Waking life script 1

The reason why I refuse to take existentialism as just another French fashion or historical curiosity is that I think it has something very important to offer us for the new century. I'm afraid we're losing the real virtues of living life passionately, sense of taking responsibility for who you are, the ability to make something of yourself and feeling good about life. Existentialism is often discussed as if it's a philosophy of despair. But I think the truth is just the opposite. Sartre once interviewed said he never really felt a day of despair in his life. But one thing that comes out from reading these guys is not a sense of anguish about life so much as a real kind of exuberance of feeling on top of it. It's like your life is yours to create. I've read the postmodernists with some interest, even admiration. But when I read them, I always have this awful nagging feeling that something absolutely essential is getting left out. The more that you talk about a person as a social construction or as a confluence of forces or as fragmented or marginalized, what you do is you open up a whole new world of excuses. And when Sartre talks about responsibility, he's not talking about something abstract. He's not talking about the kind of self or soul that theologians would argue about. It's something very concrete. It's you and me talking. Making decisions. Doing things and taking the consequences. It might be true that there are six billion people in the world and counting. Nevertheless, what you do makes a difference. It makes a difference, first of all, in material terms. Makes a difference to other people and it sets an example. In short, I think the message here is that we should never simply write ourselves off and see ourselves as the victim of various forces. It's always our decision who we are.

If you support keeping drugs illegal…

by Tom++, June 27, 1995

From the Talk.Politics.Drugs Usenet newsgroup

You support robberies and assaults on innocent people.The high prices of drugs caused by prohibition force many drug addicts to turn to robbery in order to pay for their drugs. Legalization would drop drug prices. Drug users would no longer need to rob/assault innocent people in order to support their drug habit. This violence against innocent people would end if drugs were legalized.

You support clogging our prisons and jails with nonviolent people.Nearly 50% of all people in prison and jail are serving time for nonviolent drug charges. There are thousands of people in prisons for 5, 10, 50 years—even life—for possessing marijuana or cocaine! The average rapist is set free after serving only 3 years in prison, the average murderer is set free after serving only 9 years in prison! To house just one prisoner for one year costs the taxpayer $40,000! The result of these harsh penalties? Drug use has increased! (Tough laws have not stopped me from using marijuana—nor will they ever!)

You support organized crime and drug cartels.Huge drug cartels and criminal organizations thrive off the enormous profits caused by drug prohibition. These organizations are responsible for thousands of murders! Many of people killed or hurt are innocent people who get in the way! These violent organizations will never be put out of business—unless drugs are legalized.

You support environmental destruction.Underground cocaine and methamphetamine labs use toxic chemicals to produce those drugs—the wastes are recklessly dumped in forests and streams. These highly toxic chemicals are causing major environmental damage in South American rainforests and now in the U.S. This environmental destruction will stop only if drugs are legalized.

You support drug dealers and street gangs.Drug dealers and street gangs fight over drug territories. Thousands of people are murdered and assaulted because of this fighting—many are innocent people who get in the way. This violence is another result of the huge profits caused by drug prohibition.You lure thousands of young people into quitting school.It is a fact that thousands of inner-city youths drop out of school to make enormous profits by selling drugs. The incentive to drop out of school would end if drugs were legalized.

You do nothing to keep drugs away from kids or out of schools.In spite of what you may believe, keeping drugs illegal does not keep drugs away from children! Drugs are easily obtainable in almost every high school in America. Legalizing drugs would put schoolyard drug dealers out of business! There would be less drugs in our schools if drugs were legalized. Drugs would still be illegal for minors!

You subsidize criminals by letting them reap huge drug profits without paying taxes.Since drugs are sold anyway, wouldn't you rather have them heavily taxed so it would reduce your tax burden? You are giving criminals a free ride and it's coming out of your own pocket. Working people pay 100% of all taxes for the drug dealers! Why do you want to pay taxes for drug dealers?

You advocate punishing millions of harmless drug users (like me) at an enormous cost to society.If you believe drugs should be illegal, then you advocate spending your tax dollars to arrest/jail/punish millions of productive, honest, and harmless working people (like myself). Why? We hurt nobody! Who benefits from this policy? Nobody! Who loses from this policy? Everybody!Drug users can only hurt themselves. But the drug war harms/kills hundreds of thousands of innocent people and burdens you—the taxpayer. The drug war costs you hundreds of dollars every year! The drug war has not reduced drug use!

Prohibitionists claim drugs must be illegal because they harm people. Why are prohibitionists so concerned about what other people do to themselves? Why do they feel it is their responsibility and right to control the lifestyles of other adults? The prohibitionists tell stories of people who hurt themselves with illegal drugs. So what? For every one person who has been harmed with illegal drugs, there are dozens of people who have used illegal drugs and were not harmed. For every one person who has been harmed by illegal drugs, there are 1,000 people who harm/kill themselves by deliberately choosing these harmful lifestyles...

Being overweight

Smoking cigarettes

Watching too much TV

Eating high-fat/high-cholesterol diets

Eating too much meat

Participating in dangerous sports/activities

Drinking alcohol

Eating too much sugar

Eating too few fruits/vegetables

Drinking too much coffee

Getting little/no exercise

Why don't the prohibitionists advocate banning all of the above harmful lifestyles? The prohibitionists tolerate people who hurt/kill themselves with tobacco, alcohol, poor diet, or no exercise, but they refuse to tolerate people who harm themselves with cocaine. Why? Inconsistent! Illogical! Irrational!

We now come to the real reason why marijuana, cocaine, LSD, and other drugs are illegal: Lifestyle control! Prohibitionists fear that if drugs are legalized, the "drug culture" will spread to the rest of society. Nobody can force others to use drugs! Adults must take responsibility for their own health! Because the prohibitionists have decided that drugs are wrong for them does not give them the right to force their lifestyle on others. Prohibitionists want government to play the role of parent. Prohibitionists believe they must babysit adults.

Prohibitionists are the lifestyle police!

In the last 25 years, per capita alcohol and tobacco consumption has decreased significantly. This was accomplished by education and treatment, not by threat of punishment! Drug use/abuse would drop significantly if we spent our resources on education and treatment instead of law enforcement. No rational person would call for imprisonment of smokers and drinkers in order to reduce tobacco and alcohol use. But that method is exactly how we try to reduce drug use. The savings to be had in ending the drug war could easily pay for all the drug treatment and education programs we need. The drug war is a failure! Education and treatment work!

If you don't like a culture or a lifestyle, don't live it! If you don't like alcohol, tobacco, marijuana, or other drugs, don't use them! But don't ban my personal lifestyle for fear it will poison your lifestyle. Adults must take responsibility for their own actions! It is a flagrant violation of individual freedom to threaten others with punishment just because they choose a lifestyle that is not right for you.

I will continue to smoke marijuana and enjoy it! I hurt nobody! If others do not approve of what I do to myself in my own home, too bad! I may not care for the music you listen to, the food you eat, or the culture you have adopted, but I would never advocate punishing you because I don't like your lifestyle. If someone violates the rights of others, the violater should be punished; otherwise, people should mind their own business. Adults who use drugs responsibly—whether they be tobacco, alcohol, LSD, or marijuana—cause no harm to others! Leave us alone!

If you still believe drugs should be illegal, answer this question... Why do you believe it is good policy to punish me—and 20 million adult Americans like me—because I choose to use marijuana in the privacy of my own home? Who benefits from this policy and how do they benefit?

Total cost of drug prohibition

Over 300,000 nonviolent people lose their freedom to prison/jail.

Thousands of murders, assaults, and robberies caused by drug crimes.

$20 billion/year in law enforcement costs.

$10 billion/year in lost tax revenue (similar to alcohol tax).

$5 billion/year in property losses due to drug-related crimes.

$50 billion/year and 500,000 jobs lost because of no hemp industry.

Total cost = $85 billion/year = $500 per taxpayer every year!

Harmful Effects?

Drugs Most Harmful Effects

Alcohol:

Liver damage, birth defects, kills brain cells, intoxication, can induce violent behavior

Addiction: As addicting as cocaine!

Overdose: Possible.

Deaths/year (U.S.): 100,000 (Not counting drunk driving or crimes caused while intoxicated.)

Tobacco:

Lung, throat, and mouth cancer, emphysema, heart damage, premature aging of skin, underdeveloped newborn babies.

Addiction: As addicting as heroin or cocaine!

Overdose: Possible, but extremely unlikely.

Deaths/year (U.S.): 400,000

Marijuana:

Slight chance of bronchitis in some users.

Possible minor sperm count reduction, but unproven.

Lung cancer remotely possible with extremely heavy use, but unproven.

Short-term memory loss only while intoxicated—Not permanent!

Addiction: less addicting than coffee, soda, meat, or sugar!

Overdose: Impossible!

Deaths/year (U.S.): 0 (Zero!)

Condom Slogans

1) Cover your stump before you hump
2) Before you attack her, wrap your whacker
3) Don't be silly, protect your Willie
4) When in doubt shroud you spout
5) Don't be a loner, cover your boner
6) You can't go wrong, if you shield your dong
7) If your not going to sack it, go home and whack it
8) If you think she's spunky, cover your monkey
9) It will be sweeter if you wrap your peter
10) If you slip between her thighs, condomize
11) She won't get sick if you wrap your dick
12) If you go into heat, package your meat
13) While your undressing Venus, dress up your penis
14) When you take off her pants and blouse, suit up your mouse
15) Especially in December, gift wrap your member
16) Never ever deck her, with an unwrapped pecker
17) Don't be a fool, vulcanize your tool
18) The right selection, is to protect your erection
19) Wrap it in foil, before you check her oil
20) A crank with armor, will never harm her
21) If you really love her, wear a cover
22) Don't make a mistake, cover your snake
23) Sex is cleaner with a packaged wiener
24) If you can't shield your rocket, leave it in your pocket
25) No glove, no love
26) If you think she'll sigh, cover old one eye
27) Even If she's eager, protect her beaver
28) No one likes a horses ass, protect yourself at climax
29) Shield her from the hunt until you shoot her in the cunt
30) Avoid a frown, contain your clown
31) Harness the pygmy man before entering the bearded clam
32) Constrain the little head before you stick it in the shed
33) Put a condom on your dink before you dart it in her sink
34) The weasel you must surround before you please her on the ground
35) Cloak the joker before you poke her
36) Encase that torch before you paint her porch
37) Cape your throbber before you bob her
38) After detection sheath your erection
39) Before you penetrate hide your magistrate
40) Don't surprise her plug your Geyser
41) Cover that lumber before you pump her
42) Protect her wrinkle before you sprinkle
43) She won't bristle if you wrap your whistle
44) House your noodle then release your strudel
45) Put your dog in the pound and make her yelp like a hound
46) Shelter your jerky then nab that turkey
47) Cage that snake then shake and bake
48) Cover your peter it will be much neater
49) Coat that Labrador then allow him to explore
50) It's always funky to cage your monkey
51) It won't be funny with a coatless dummy
52) It won't be fun with an unwrapped thumb
53) It's not much money to catch your honey
54) Don't be a fool cover your tool
55) Hood that match then scratch that thatch
56) Stitch that switch then itch her niche
57) Wrap that tool to catch the drool
58) It ain't no jibe to protect her hive
59) Contain that sputum before you use him
60) Restrain your log then plow her bog
61) Glove your pecker before you check her
62) Coat that slimmer before you prime her
63) Condomize then womanize (or sodomize)
64) Cover old pete then grind her meat
65) Guard your peter before you meet her
66) Check your list before you tryst
67) Wrap your bate before you mate
68) Can your worm before you squirm
69) Cover your pipe you dumb ass wipe
70) Contain your lizard then tickle her gizzard
71) Bag the mole then do her hole
72) Cuff your carrot before you share it
73) Jail your number then call the plumber
74) Cover your vein then drive her insane
75) Wrap that pickle then slip her a tickle
76) Protect your dink then fluff her mink
77) Restrain your lantern then stick it in her cavern
78) Hide ole harry then take her cherry
79) Wrap that spout then bore her out
80) Conceal your train don't cause her pain
81) Guard your bridge then do her ridge
82) Shroud your trout then make her shout
83) To make her squat like a turkey, cover your Jerky
84) Box your blister then poke her in the whiskers
85) Wrap your spout to catch the trout
86) Plug your funnel then enter the tunnel
87) Cover your steamer before you ream her
88) Protect that fish then dip it in the dish
89) Contain that bass for a swim in her glass
90) Be sure to wear it to feed her ferret
91) Clothe the boner before you hone her
92) Got no protection? Can't use your erection!
93) Cork your pump or you don't hump
94) No unwrapped stags get between my legs
95) Dress that erection to make a deflection
96) Contain that shanker before you spank her
97) Cap that seeder before you breed her
98) Stop the stream before you cream
99) Secure that ladder then drain your bladder
100) Protect your screw to catch that glue
101) Package your meat for a real neat treat
102) Holster your gun then shootings more fun
103) Canvas that trailer before you nail her
104) Garage the tractor then attack her
105) Net that grass hopper before you pop her
106) Sock that wanger before you bang her
107) Pen that rooster, she'll be much looser
108) Trim your hardwood then do her real good
109) Garnish your oak then give her a poke
110) Pouch your associate then go fornicate
111) Smother your affiliate before you ejaculate
112) Confine your fascinate before it regurgitates
113) Catch that goat before it bloats
114) Ensnare that barbarian then do her abdomen
115) Restrain your hammer then wam bam her
116) Prune that stalk then make her squawk
117) Wrap that rod then please her bod
118) Sheath that knife she ain't your wife
119) House that bottle then mash her throttle
120) Sash that hash then thrash that gash
121) Cover your diddle then fiddle her middle
122) Can your knob then throb her swab
123) Contain old Doug then clean her rug
124) Cover your limb before you swim
125) Retain your bailer then impail her
126) Rope your dope then make some soap
127) Net your salamander then make salad in her
128) Cap your flapper then sniff her snapper
129) Wrap that Steed then trample her weeds
130) Hat that chef then scramble her cleft
131) Cover your stone before you bone
132) House your hose then curl her toes
133) Saddle your penis then straddle her mean ass
134) Blanket your twitch then hump that bitch
135) Shield your rocks then pond her box
136) Cover old sly then do her dry
137) Wrap your rail then fill her pail
138) Glove your chimney before you come in me
139) If your nude tube your dude
140) Cloak your hitter then go split her
141) Wrap your nipper before you dip her
142) Can your spam then bam that mam
143) Corral your ram then slice her ham
144) Sheath your sliver then jab her liver
145) Twist your wick then stick that prick
146) Cover old Bart then dart her tart
147) Shed old spot then do her slot
148) Drawer your pip then split her lips
149) Contain that leach then mash her peach
150) Bag your elm then take the helm
151) Constrain your gem to catch the flem
152) Catch that head cheese or I won't spread these
153) Constrain that agate you ain't no faggot
154) Survey your land then plant her stand
155) Before you drive her protect that diver
156) Sack that slimy smelt then tan her beaver pelt
157) Wrap that stiffer then let him sniff her
158) Cover you post then slice her roast
159) Blanket old juicy then plug old loosey
160) Balloon your baboon the moon tune her poon
161) Contain that viper before you pipe her
162) Wrap your whopper, then go bop her
163) Protect your cock with the sock.
164) Slip it on before you slip it in.
165) Don't leave it to God, cover your rod.
164) Do a good deed, don't spill your seed.
165) Tub that sub then rub her hub
166) Wrap Mr. Clean then introduce her spleen
167) Dam your giver then fill her quiver
167) Wrap your wang before you bang
168) instead of your dick use a stick
169) instead of a sticky make a quickie
170) jack that slacker then you can whack her
171) Wrap it before you tap it
172) Wrap your meat before you beat
173) Don't excrete, wrap your meat
174) If you take her to bed, protect your head
175) Pack it in plastic, it'll be fantastic
176) if you'r not Shaq O'neal you might as well wrap your real
177) You Cover before you shove her
178) Protect your meat before you cram it in her seat
179) Suit up your eel, before you make a deal
180) Cover your fluid-ray or you'll have to pay
181) Don't be a fool, wrap your tool
182) if you think shes spunky, cover your monkey!
183) Wrap it before you slap it
184) Conceal your mushroom shape before you part her beef drapes
185) Don't be uncertain protect yourself before entering her meat curtain
186) Cover your rock-o before sour creaming her taco
187) use a shield before you sew her field
188) Put on your hat before you give her a splat
189) cover your snitch before you ram the bitch
190) hide old nick, before you jab her ribs
191) Flag your pole
192) Before a late night wrap it up tight
193) don't have sex without latex
194) Cover Billy then make her silly
195) wear a helmet to go to war
196) wrap the cock let it drop
197) cover your meat and make some heat
198) wrap your stump before you hump
199) Cover your shooter, then shoot in her pooter
200) Garnish your beef, then dive her reef
201) Shield your funnel and engage her tunnel
202) Cover your mound, and prepare to pound
203) Sheath your blade, then give her the spade
204) Wrap your shaft before you break her in half
205) Roll your oat, then paddle her boat
206) Cover your yam then pound her ham
207) Armour the tank before you enter the flank
208) sWrap the goat before swimming in her moat
209) Leash your pet before launching your jet
210) Baton down the hatch before feeding her snatch
211) Chain the beast before presenting the feast
212) Before you tap it, wrap it
213) Cap your tinkle before you visit the fish wrinkle
214) Save her cunt, from shit loads of spunk!
215) Wrap your dill before you spill
216) Dont be a Fool, wrap your tool
217) Wrap that gator, no regrets later
218) Wrap your meat and get her in the sheets!
219) Don't forget the diaper when you're laying piper
220) when you nail her accsessorize your sailor
221) Put on a rubber before you sub her
222) Don't trust Jesus cover your penis
223) Dress him up before you mess her up
224) Holster your Pistol before you whip her
225) before you bang cover your wang
226) No matter what kind of meat you put in your sandwich you still have to wrap up your hoggie
227) Put a cover on yer hammer then ram her and ram her
228) Clothe the boner before you own her
229) Before you make a disaster put the saftey on your blaster
230) protect ur pole before u battle with the hole
231) No shirt, no flirt!
232) Wrap it before you tap it

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

Why Americans Should Never Be Allowed To Travel

The following are actual stories provided by travel agents:

I had someone ask for an aisle seats so that his or her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window.

A client called in inquiring about a package to Hawaii. After going over all the cost info, she asked, "Would it be cheaper to fly to California and then take the train to Hawaii?"

I got a call from a woman who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information when she interrupted me with "I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in Massachusetts. "Without trying to make her look like the stupid one, I calmly explained, "Capecod is in Massachusetts, Capetown is in Africa." Her response ... click.

A man called, furious about a Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando. He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that is not possible, since Orlando is in the middle of the state. He replied, "Don't lie to me. I looked on the map and Florida is a very thin state."

I got a call from a man who asked, "Is it possible to see England from Canada?" I said, "No." He said "But they look so close on the map."

Another man called and asked if he could rent a car in Dallas. When I pulled up the reservation, I noticed he had a 1-hour lay over in Dallas. When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, "I heard Dallas was a big airport, and I need a car to drive between the gates to save time."

A nice lady just called. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from Detroit left at 8:20am and got into Chicago at 8:33am. I tried to explain that Michigan was an hour ahead of llinois, but she could not understand the concept of time zones. Finally I told her the plane went very fast, and she bought that!

A woman called and asked, "Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know who's luggage belongs to who?" I said, "No, why do you ask?" She replied, "Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said FAT, and I'm overweight, is there any connection?" After putting her on hold for a minute while I "looked into it" (I was actually laughing) I came back and explained the city code for Fresno is FAT, and that the airline was just putting a destination tag on her luggage.

I just got off the phone with a man who asked, "How do I know which plane to get on?" I asked him what exactly he meant, which he replied, "I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these darn planes have numbers on them."

A woman called and said, "I need to fly to Pepsi-cola on one of those computer planes." I asked if she meant to fly to Pensacola on a commuter plane. She said, "Yeah, whatever."

A businessman called and had a question about the documents he needed in order to fly to China. After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded him he needed a visa. "Oh no I don't, I've been to China many times and never had to have one of those." I double checked and sure enough, his stay required a visa. When I told him this he said, "Look, I've been to China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express."

A woman called to make reservations, "I want to go from Chicago to Hippopotamus, New York" The agent was at a loss for words. Finally, the agent: "Are you sure that's the name of the town?" "Yes, what flights do you have?" replied the customer. After some searching, the agent came back with, "I'm sorry, ma'am, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a Hippopotamus anywhere." The customer retorted, "Oh don't be silly. Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!" The agent scoured a map of the state of New York and finally offered, "You don't mean Buffalo, do you?" "That's it! I knew it was a big animal!"

Politics Explained

Politics Explained

FEUDALISM: You have two cows. Your lord takes some of the milk.

PURE SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and puts them in a barn with everyone else's cows. You have to take care of all of the cows. The government gives you as much milk as you need.

BUREAUCRATIC SOCIALISM: You have two cows. The government takes them and put them in a barn with everyone else's cows. They are cared for by ex-chicken farmers. You have to take care of the chickens the government took from the chicken farmers. The government gives you as much milk and eggs as the regulations say you need.

FASCISM: You have two cows. The government takes both, hires you to take care of them and sells you the milk.

PURE COMMUNISM: You have two cows. Your neighbors help you take care of them, and you all share the milk.

RUSSIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. You have to take care of them, but the government takes all the milk.

CAMBODIAN COMMUNISM: You have two cows. The government takes both of them and shoots you.

DICTATORSHIP: You have two cows. The government takes both and drafts you.

PURE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors decide who gets the milk.

REPRESENTATIVE DEMOCRACY: You have two cows. Your neighbors pick someone to tell you who gets the milk.

BUREAUCRACY: You have two cows. At first the government regulates what you can feed them and when you can milk them. Then it pays you not to milk them. Then it takes both, shoots one, milks the other and pours the milk down the drain. Then it requires you to fill out forms accounting for the missing cows.

PURE ANARCHY: You have two cows. Either you sell the milk at a fair price or your neighbors try to take the cows and kill you.

LIBERTARIAN/ANARCHO-CAPITALISM: You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull.

SURREALISM: You have two giraffes. The government requires you to take harmonica lessons.

Seven Blunders of the World —Mahatma Gandhi

"Seven Blunders of the World"

1. Wealth without work
2. Pleasure without conscience
3. Knowledge without character
4. Commerce without morality
5. Science without humanity
6. Worship without sacrifice
7. Politics without principle

—Mahatma Gandhi

Incarcerex

Anti-Drug War Video

The improbability of you by Richard Dawkins

We are going to die, and that makes us the lucky ones. Most people are never going to die because they are never going to be born. The potential people who could have been here in my place but who will in fact never see the light of day outnumber the sand grains of Arabia. Certainly those unborn ghosts include greater poets than Keats, scientists greater than Newton. We know this because the set of possible people allowed by our DNA so massively exceeds the set of actual people. In the teeth of these stupefying odds it is you and I, in our ordinariness, that are here.

Moralists and theologians place great weight upon the moment of conception, seeing it as the instant at which the soul comes into existence. If, like me, you are unmoved by such talk, you still must regard a particular instant, nine months before your birth, as the most decisive event in your personal fortunes. It is the moment at which your consciousness suddenly became trillions of times more foreseeable than it was a split second before. To be sure, the embryonic you that came into existence still had plenty of hurdles to leap. Most conceptuses end in early abortion before their mother even knew they were there, and we are all lucky not to have done so. Also, there is more to personal identity than genes, as identical twins (who separate after the moment of fertilization) show us. Nevertheless, the instant at which a particular spermatozoon penetrated a particular egg was, in your private hindsight, a moment of dizzying singularity. It was then that the odds against your becoming a person dropped from astronomical to single figures.

The lottery starts before we are conceived. Your parents had to meet, and the conception of each was as improbable as your own. And so on back, through your four grandparents and eight great grandparents, back to where it doesn't bear thinking about. Desmond Morris opens his autobiography, Animal Days (1979), in characteristically arresting vein:

Napoleon started it all. If it weren't for him, I might not be sitting here now writing these words ... for it was one of his cannonballs, fired in the Peninsular War, that shot off the arm of my great-great-grandfather, James Morris, and altered the whole course of my family history.

Morris tells how his ancestor's enforced change of career had various knock-on effects culminating in his own interest in natural history. But he really needn't have bothered. There's no 'might' about it. Of course he owes his very existence to Napoleon. So do I and so do you. Napoleon didn't have to shoot off James Morris's arm in order to seal young Desmond's fate, and yours and mine, too. Not just Napoleon but the humblest medieval peasant had only to sneeze in order to affect something which changed something else which, after a long chain reaction, led to the consequence that one of your would-be ancestors failed to be your ancestor and became somebody else's instead. I'm not talking about 'chaos theory', or the equally trendy 'complexity theory', but just about the ordinary statistics of causation. The thread of historical events by which our existence hangs is wincingly tenuous.

When compared with the stretch of time unknown to us, O king, the present life of men on earth is like the flight of a single sparrow through the hall where, in winter, you sit with your captains and ministers. Entering at one door and leaving by another, while it is inside it is untouched by the wintry storm; but this brief interval of calm is over in a moment, and it returns to the winter whence it came, vanishing from your sight. Man's life is similar; and of what follows it, or what went before, we are utterly ignorant. -- The Venerable Bede, A History of the English Church and People (731)

This is another respect in which we are lucky. The universe is older than a hundred million centuries. Within a comparable time the sun will swell to a red giant and engulf the earth. Every century of hundreds of millions has been in its time, or will be when its time comes, 'the present century'. Interestingly, some physicists don't like the idea of a 'moving present', regarding it as a subjective phenomenon for which they find no house room in their equations. But it is a subjective argument I am making. How it feels to me, and I guess to you as well, is that the present moves from the past to the future, like a tiny spotlight, inching its way along a gigantic ruler of time. Everything behind the spotlight is in darkness, the darkness of the dead past. Everything ahead of the spotlight is in the darkness of the unknown future. The odds of your century being the one in the spotlight are the same as the odds that a penny, tossed down at random, will land on a particular ant crawling somewhere along the road from New York to San Francisco. In other words, it is overwhelmingly probable that you are dead.

In spite of these odds, you will notice that you are, as a matter of fact, alive. People whom the spotlight has already passed over, and people whom the spotlight has not reached, are in no position to read a book. I am equally lucky to be in a position to write one, although I may not be when you read these words. Indeed, I rather hope that I shall be dead when you do. Don't misunderstand me. I love life and hope to go on for a long time yet, but any author wants his works to reach the largest possible readership. Since the total future population is likely to outnumber my contemporaries by a large margin, I cannot but aspire to be dead when you see these words. Facetiously seen, it turns out to be no more than a hope that my book will not soon go out of print. But what I see as I write is that I am lucky to be alive and so are you.

We live on a planet that is all but perfect for our kind of life: not too warm and not too cold, basking in kindly sunshine, softly watered; a gently spinning, green and gold harvest festival of a planet. Yes, and alas, there are deserts and slums; there is starvation and racking misery to be found. But take a look at the competition. Compared with most planets this is paradise, and parts of earth are still paradise by any standards. What are the odds that a planet picked at random would have these complaisant properties? Even the most optimistic calculation would put it at less than one in a million.

Imagine a spaceship full of sleeping explorers, deep-frozen would-be colonists of some distant world. Perhaps the ship is on a forlorn mission to save the species before an unstoppable comet, like the one that killed the dinosaurs, hits the home planet. The voyagers go into the deep-freeze soberly reckoning the odds against their spaceship's ever chancing upon a planet friendly to life. If one in a million planets is suitable at best, and it takes centuries to travel from each star to the next, the spaceship is pathetically unlikely to find a tolerable, let alone safe, haven for its sleeping cargo.

But imagine that the ship's robot pilot turns out to be unthinkably lucky. After millions of years the ship does find a planet capable of sustaining life: a planet of equable temperature, bathed in warm starshine, refreshed by oxygen and water. The passengers, Rip van Winkles, wake stumbling into the light. After a million years of sleep, here is a whole new fertile globe, a lush planet of warm pastures, sparkling streams and waterfalls, a world bountiful with creatures, darting through alien green felicity. Our travellers walk entranced, stupefied, unable to believe their unaccustomed senses or their luck.

As I said, the story asks for too much luck; it would never happen. And yet, isn't that what has happened to each one of us? We have woken after hundreds of millions of years asleep, defying astronomical odds. Admittedly we didn't arrive by spaceship, we arrived by being born, and we didn't burst conscious into the world but accumulated awareness gradually through babyhood. The fact that we slowly apprehend our world, rather than suddenly discover it, should not subtract from its wonder.

Of course I am playing tricks with the idea of luck, putting the cart before the horse. It is no accident that our kind of life finds itself on a planet whose temperature, rainfall and everything else are exactly right. If the planet were suitable for another kind of life, it is that other kind of life that would have evolved here. But we as individuals are still hugely blessed. Privileged, and not just privileged to enjoy our planet. More, we are granted the opportunity to understand why our eyes are open, and why they see what they do, in the short time before they close for ever.

Here, it seems to me, lies the best answer to those petty-minded scrooges who are always asking what is the use of science. In one of those mythic remarks of uncertain authorship, Michael Faraday is alleged to have been asked what was the use of science. 'Sir,' Faraday replied. 'Of what use is a new-born child?' The obvious thing for Faraday (or Benjamin Franklin, or whoever it was) to have meant was that a baby might be no use for anything at present, but it has great potential for the future. I now like to think that he meant something else, too: What is the use of bringing a baby into the world if the only thing it does with its life is just work to go on living? If everything is judged by how 'useful' it is -- useful for staying alive, that is -- we are left facing a futile circularity. There must be some added value. At least a part of life should be devoted to living that life, not just working to stop it ending. This is how we rightly justify spending taxpayers' money e species and beautiful buildings. It is how we answer those barbarians who th ink that wild elephants and historic houses should be preserved only if they 'pay their way'. And science is the same. Of course science pays its way; of course it is useful. But that is not all it is.

After sleeping through a hundred million centuries we have finally opened our eyes on a sumptuous planet, sparkling with colour, bountiful with life. Within decades we must close our eyes again. Isn't it a noble, an enlightened way of spending our brief time in the sun, to work at understanding the universe and how we have come to wake up in it? This is how I answer when I am asked -- as I am surprisingly often -- why I bother to get up in the mornings. To put it the other way round, isn't it sad to go to your grave without ever wondering why you were born? Who, with such a thought, would not spring from bed, eager to resume discovering the world and rejoicing to be a part of it?